Kiss
Puke
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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