I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
