I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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