If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize