you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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