i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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