just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
