Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
