sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
