I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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