I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
