I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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