I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
