Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
