I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
