What a fucking waste of an outfit
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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