i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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