sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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