turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
