i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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