You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
