Sry I called you an 8
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
