I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
