you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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