I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
