You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
