I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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