I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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