so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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