i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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