I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
