was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
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2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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