remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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