He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
