Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
