so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
