im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
