Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
