take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
