He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
