just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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