so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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