Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
