im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
