It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
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I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
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Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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