Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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