do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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