OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
