Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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