why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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