i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
