It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
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