there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
