New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
