Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
